Merry Christmas all.

I always feel a little empty on this day.

<><><><><><><><>

When you get accustomed to keeping things to yourself, it becomes difficult to say anything at all.

Even at the best of times.

Mirrors

Imagine life
seen through a mirror.
If every mirror was like a window
through which you could view the lives of others.
Peripheral vision shot,
seeing them only when they can see themselves.
Oh, what a beautiful lie.
That you would know them
only as they know themselves.

When

I am always thinking "when".
I don't usually think, "if".
Once there is a possibility, I always choose the outcome. I am not always right.
not
that I'd like to be.

Oh Shit

I'm Falling.
I never thought I would.
But walking high was I
and looking at the sky
I tripped
on something on the ground.

Just because...

I realized something today. I haven't told you I loved you in awhile. So if you are reading this, you know who you are. (or maybe you don't.) But I love you, just the same, my darlin's.

A song

to be sung to the tune of "clementine"

take a cleaver
by the handle
bring it down on someone's head.
but be warned that
if you do that
they will probably be dead.

improvised while cutting chocolate with a cleaver in my kitchen.

For now, because now is all I know

I have faith in humanity.


and I think,


everything is gonna be okay.

god damnit why do I have to do this?
why do I feel it has to be me?
why do I need to go into other peoples' shit and fucking "be there" for them?
thats why people get pissed at me.
at least, some people did.
and now I dont have one, I have to find others to latch onto and try to fucking help all the time.
and in return for that I get fucking hugs and compliments or something
I guess it makes me feel special.
maybe I should just take him back cuz I'm always gonna be like this anyway, no matter if im with him or not.

taptaptap

at a loss of what to say
typing fingers anyway
the meaning doesn't matter.

Ivan Divine (unfinished)

One lovely spring morning
with birds singing above,
Ivan divine
was feeling quite fine
and daydreaming
of love.

"Love is like a flower,"
he said.
"it opens up its wings-"
"sounds like a bird to me,"
said Laura Lee.
"You speak of silly things."

Then Ivan Divine
was put into line
when he set eyes on she,
the lovely and the beautiful,
the little Laura Lee.
"But you must be mistaken,
for love is in the air!
it lives in flowers,
birds and trees,
why, love is everywhere."

And as he said these words, he felt,
a feeling grow inside,
that filled the corners of his soul,
'till nowhere he could hide.
As Laura looked disdainfully,
he thought, oh my,
how could this be?
I have just found
this thing called love,
and it is killing me!

Of Summertime

Dreams and spite,
these dreams and spite,
how steady is their might,
when hand in hand,
they creep along
these lovely Summer nights.

Summer nights,
oh summer nights,
how sour they can turn,
when all the things
you do not want
are all the things you learn.

Things you learn,
the things you learn,
you silently accept,
pretending that
inside your head
there aren't the things you kept.

Old poetry

These structures of steel,
these beings of ore,
that stand above the world.
We created them, and yet,
they
are the rulers of everything.
In an iron mindset, these things of green,
they wither
beneath my metal fury.
I have no love for things
of the earth.
But when all is as it should be,
the dark mossy regions of my mind
reach their leaves toward the sunlight,
basking in its golden glow,
and once more,
I am a being of the forest,
of the green and of the world,
and its ageless whispers calm me.

Stasi

I know
You're not an asshole.
and its a shame
that we can't talk
to each other.
But you know
as well as me
that we were never good at that anyway
and now, we don't have to be.
'though I still love you and hate you
for that.

little pink raindrops

I want to go back to school.
I am eager for the time when I will have something to do, and to keep me occupied, so I don't feel so lazy.

plus, school means that I may actually get to buy some jeans that don't have rips in the ass.

and maybe some shirts that fit.

but for now, I sit in a little pink raindrop, and....I don't even know what.
don't ask me about the raindrop either. it rained today.

Waves

I like to think that I am steady.
But I also except the fact that maybe
I might actually be quite insanely unpredictable
or something.
But usually,
I'm pretty consistent.
I don't change my mind a lot
unless I'm
really
really
confused.

But I'm not right now.
so it's all good.
I like to say that
and usually
it's true
'cause in the long run,
usually,
it's all good with me.


and truthfully,
I hope it's all good with you too
just be honest about it,
and if you are so accepting,
just accept
and be happy
because then
there's no need for declarations
of security
and people will see
that you really are happy
and not just that you're trying to seem unfazed by all around you
but still
don't think I'm angry
'cause I'm not
don't try and make yourself distant
because if you are distant
then it's obvious
and there's no need to declare it
because that just makes you seem insecure.
anyways, it's not like this will actually make any positive impact on anything.
in truth, I'm more likely to be taken the wrong way and judged by the wrong people.
But that's ok, because at least I know that i don't mean anything bad by this
and that I'm really not just sitting here angrily venting, but calmly pondering.
And I'm gonna stop pondering soon.
and do something more constructive.
What are YOU gonna do?

in matters of the heart.or mind, or soul...

I really do not make any sense whatsoever. and I don't think that's fair to anyone. but I can't really make it any better, because I don't really understand it myself. and that's really quite frustrating. as I'm sure it is to others as well. but still, it's my fault, and so I suppose it should be known that I, being not sane of mind, am just really confusing myself and should probably just figure out what the hell I'm doing.or what I want. but even when I figure that out, I probably won't go seeking it, snce I've already wreaked so much havoc.yet still, I delude myself.

Stasi

something's got to be done.
but I seem to have trouble doing it...
excuses can only take me so far.
I will find the time.
I suppose I have to.

I like you a lot.

Alec

Sweet thing of mine,
you are
my flesh and blood.
And that
will never change.
You
will always
protect me, and
know me better
than anything.
as I know you.

It doesn't really seem
like you're a part of me anymore.


Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

frustration is one of the most frustrating things in the world.

The times

certain things
bring up the memories
of times
that we didn't really know were times at all.
Like september.

An observation

The pen can embody
so much more feeling than
the simple uniform
of organized font.
While there is a forest of
sanctuary
in the wake of wild ink,
there is nowhere to hide
behind rigid pixels.

Predictable

Our problems never go away
they only sort of fade.
pushed away and out of sight,
there they stay, forgave.
we really have to realize
the things we do must change
and go about them differently
a thing that we find strange.
'Cause all the times that I remember,
changing's not a thing we do
we're stubborn and impractical
at least that much is true.
I raise my voice,
you hide away,
Or silently contend
and what you're thinking,
I don't know,
I have to just pretend.
We compromise,
we come to ends,
but what good will it do?
You'll just forget,
and so will I
about ever leaving you.

Oh, the struggles of love.

She flops down sullenly, her lanky frame not quite seeming to fit the chair. One long leg is thrown over the arm of the recliner, the other stretched far in front of her. She leans her head back wearily, listening to the chaos in the next room. "I've had enough of this today," she thinks. "let someone else handle it." Just then a little blond head appears, running like a thunderbolt to who knows where. She reaches out a practiced arm, snatching the little bugger before it can make any more mischief. Her lazy posture makes a perfect comfy place to snuggle into, and the little ball of evil settles right down, for the moment. Smoothing down tousled golden hair with one hand, she rests her face on the fingertips of her other as as another burst of giggles and yelling comes from the next room. "We've had enough of this today," she says. "we'd better go do something about it."

Cold

I'm cold,
but never can I seem
to make a reaction
find an attraction
something like a sunbeam.
Never a blanket,
a heater,
a friend,
will come at my bidding,
though I can pretend.
I'd have to get up,
but because I am freezing
that's not a thought that I find most appeasing.
even now, with this thought in my head,
I'm choosing to just write a poem instead.
oh woe is me, woe is me,
why must I choose to be so fucking lazy?

I had too much coffee today.
I feel alone.
and defeated.
I'm not going to try anymore.
but that doesn't mean that everything will go as expected.
I can always just pretend that its all the same.
and do
whatever the fuck I want to.

its 10:40 P.M, do you know where your thoughts reside?

yes I know, seems like I was trying too hard to sound deep and artistic on that title. but I don't care. it came to me. I was just thinking. and then I realized that I didn't know what I was thinking, really, but I knew how I felt. And now I realize, that its hard to find words for feelings, as there are more feelings than words. Some would call this "mixed feelings" and others, "marmalade", but I think, that people just got lazy with naming things, and shoved everything they didn't feel like naming into the "other" category.

I haven't taken pictures in a long time. not that I took a very wide range of photos anyway. ah well. that doesn't mean I don't value the ones I do take. Its fun, and I do it when I feel like it and thats just fine with me. zen. thoughts, unnamed feelings.

wow. I guess I'm not done after all. in going to find my mood emoticon on deviantart, I chanced across, ta-da!! neglect! now thats not how I would say I'm feeling right now, but as sub-categories in that little feeling, I found quite a few which sum up the day for me:
Alienated
Defeated
isolated
insecure.
now, thats not exactly all right now what I'm feeling, but its all come up at least once today. and now, just a twinge of loneliness. But that's ok, I can deal with that, and be the bigger person. Can't I?

for you love, I'd do just about anything.

otherwise, I had a pretty good day.

*****

Feeling
ok,
Feeling
like some of us
should never have fooled with
the things we did
feeling
like the world
is changing
too
fast.
I
m
s
c
a
r
e
d.
but only
if I think about it.

If we took our music literally...

Some of the most inspirational songs to me have nothing to do with my life. And some of them do. Maybe I have secret fantasies that my life will get screwed up and I'll get Knocked Up, and lost in a Sea of Love, become a prostitute named Roxanne, and lose My Mind, and wonder Where it Is. Then I'll have that baby I got knocked up with,who will be some Crazy One, and be named Little Diane. Then I'll become a Superstar, then become a memeber of a Seven Nation Army, and go on a Conquest, and have some Phenomena involving a Gold Lion, then everything will Come Together, Because that's The End, and I'll realize, that I've survived through it all, and come through ok, and that
I AM A ROCK.

...

A beautiful Day.
the sunshine is yellow,
and warm,
though the air is cool and silver,
a delicate,
and soft
little mix.
I should like
to visit
the sun,
and say hello.
For that,
I must say
farewell
to you.
Don't forget me
while I'm gone
from the ungraspable
earthly springtime.

The very real threat of the nefarious Crazy Tim Hannah.

I
am going to kill
everyone
you know in life
except
for Douglass.

But where did Douglass Go?







he said he would kill everyone I knew in life
except for Douglass

Douglass?

I guess He liked him

Who's Douglass?

I don't know.

Ode to Earth

frozen cities,
no more snow,
too late for
I told you so’s.
Just the ash,
and filthy air
on the earth
that once was there.
trampled souls
upon the ground
where at one time
life was found.
But who put us in this place?
no one but the human race.
no one but our proud ancestors
no one but our sons and daughters.
pointing fingers
place the blame
but in the end
its all the same.
The words that come
from you and me
can also come
from he or she.
So take a look
at what you’re doing
see the trouble that you’re brewing.
see the things you can make right
and we may rest in peace tonight.

Take your time

I know
that it seems
sometimes
like I just like
to reject you for fun,
like I never
really want
to hear your
desires.
but I am realizing
that I am still
very young.
so, so young.
I have
my whole life
ahead of me.
and right now,
I should be happy.
right now,
I'm sure you can deal
with the things we have.
if we get them all now,
wheres the fun of discovering new things?
think
of how much better
it can be
if you wait
'till my maturity
catches up with me.

Currently, and not so currently

So, as you probably know, I'm sick today. The flu, unfortunately, which is rather disturbing, seeing as I got the flu shot earlier this year. Stupid doctors. All I can stomach is tea, water, and toast. Anyway, I've been spending my time looking through my old documents, And found that I've written some pretty awesome ones in Mike Levy's journalism class. I think I'll have to take another of his classes sometime, because he seems to generate good writing from me. Also, I found a few little things that I think I wrote last year:

All I know
is that I don't know
what to do,
or what to say.
All I can do
is to ask you
just to help me
get through today.
If I don't ask for help,
I can never get through
the walls that enclose
my imagination.
Trapped in my head
with thoughts
and feelings.
I can't run away.

And this one, I'm not sure if I wrote it to myself, or to somebody else.

Cheer Up
It's the end of school.
We've got a fun summer
for once.
You've got lots of friends,
And a sweet boyfriend,
Laura is over Gaelen.
I won't be lonely for the rest of my days
Gaelen is actually happy.
Strawberry ice cream tastes good.

well, I'm pretty sure I didn't write it for Laura, Gaelen, or any guy. But who???

Tap.Tap.Tap.

trying to pour
bitter
sarcastic
confused
defeated thoughts
into brief.
punctuations.

a look at my predicamnet

my life is reduced
to blended fruits
in a place
that is forgotten
by the gods
of movement,
money,
and music.

Currently......

I
am in a good mood. for it is spring!!! do I give a shit that its muddy and coldish and rainy? of course not! thats just how it is, and I don't mind. I went to my neighbors house yesterday, and I realized how awesome they are. they're a redheaded couple in their 30's, and the husband is in a couple of local bands. they moved here from somewhere down south, and they have two little girls. its awesome when they invite us over cuz they usually have some of their other cool, laid back musician friends over as well, and we listen to music and dance, and usually someone videotapes it. yesterday, we had sundaes. at the mention of me possibly learning to play guitar, Mr. Cook brings out a spanish guitar with a missing string. "happy birthday," he says, and hands me a beutiful old guitar. wow. I just got a free guitar. but anyway, this post isn't what I hoped it would be, it turned out kinda boring. I shall try to write more eloquently something better later.

I know a boy....

He lives in odd colors
swirling rotations
of emotion.
ribbons of light
glide off his lips,
as he speaks
the absence
of what he is saying.
shining drops
on my knees
as his eyes speak
of what he is feeling.
I still
have no idea.

Late at night, my thoughts turn to ugly analyzations.

I
cannot
express
love.
I
cannot
understand
the
communications
some
people
share.
I
can
only
assume.
I
will
not
express
myself
to
you.
I
do
not
believe
in
myself.
I
am
a
hypocrite.
I
am
sorry.
I
know
I
will
not
change.

I don't understand you.

why can't you accept yourself? Why can't you at least recognize that you have worth?

yet you are exceedingly arrogant.

you hate the things you love to do?

you are overly emotional.

you are distantly vague.

you hate compliments. they make you feel bad.

maybe if you didn't devalue yourself so much, others would value you even more than they already do. (they do)

and somewhere in there, you manage to be an awesome person?

everybody has faults, and attributes,

but you just don't make sense.

Sometimes, it's just the way people word things that make them into great things.



"I will fuck your boyfriend, and spit at you with wine in mouth.


He'll go crazy. "
-?

priorities

ever ntice that people with the least money seem to spend it on the least necessary things? Not always, but I've found that sometimes. you drive by a trailer that looks very run down and poor, and it has a big SUV parked outside and a gigantic Dish on the roof. You see a girl who you know lives in a trailer park, and who wears obviously recycled clothes from the salvation army (and I don't mean distressed vintage) texting on a brand new enV. I mean, my family isn't rich, but we're middle class, definitely not poor, and I don't have a phone, because my mother doesn't want to pay for it. You see obviously struggling people walking big dogs, smoking cigarettes, buying plasma screen TVs. but what do their homes look like? What do their children eat? Maybe there's a pattern to why they are poor. maybe they spend their money on things they don't need. I'm not trying to generalize, because I'm sure that not everybody is like this, but I'm just saying, maybe some people need to stop, look at their lives, and prioritize.


(that means YOU)

Lunch (where the voices of the small are unheard)

s: I want cheese.
G: Emma, chew your food
S: I want cheese. I want cheese....
G: ...have to cut these crusts off...kids choke...
S: I want cheese
G: put this in the microwave
S: I want cheese
E: Damma my nose hurts..
S:I want cheese
G: your nose hurts?
S: I want cheese.....
E: yeah, and.....
G: I'm sorry that your nose hurts.
S:I want cheese. I want cheese. I want cheese.......
E: my nose....
G: well don't put that on it!
S: I WANT CHEESE!
E: but it hurts....
G: go get some cheese for Sophie.
S: I want juice....
G: here, Emma.
E: I don't want cheese!!!
G: oh sorry, wrong kid.
S: I want juice.
G: have some peaches
E: but I want ice cream!
G:fruit first. eat your peaches.
S: I WANT JUICE!!!!!!!!

any time I hurt you, it makes me cry. I cannot stand to see your tears.

What Macabre things we tell our children.

Goosey Goosey Gander
goosey goosey gander,
wither do you wander?

upstairs and downstairs,
and in my lady's chamber.

there I met an old man
who wouldn't say his prayers.
so I took him by the left leg
and threw him down the stairs.


Jack and Jill

Jack and Jill
went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down
and broke his crown (meaning he cracked his skull)
and Jill came tumbling after

Rock-a-bye Baby

Rock-a-bye baby,
in the tree top,
when the wind blows,
the cradle will rock,
when the bough breaks,
the cradle will fall,
and down will come baby,
cradle and all.

Georgie porgy, puddin' and pie
kissed the girls and made them cry
when all the boys came out to play,
Georgie porgy ran away.

Lady Bug Lady bug

Lady bug, lady bug,
Fly away home!
your house is on fire!
your children are gone!
All except one,
and that's little Ann,
for she crept under the frying pan.


This one I actually like, though it's not a nursery rhyme, its a song:

"Oh my darling, oh my darling,
My darling Clementine,
You are lost for me forever,
Dreadful sorry, Clementine.

Drove she ducklings to the water
Ev'ry morning just at nine,
Hit her foot against a splinter,
Fell into the foaming brine.

Ruby lips above the water
Blowing bubbles soft and fine,
But alas I was no swimmer,
Neither was my Clementine.

In a churchyard near the canyon
Where the myrtle doth entwine,
There grow rosies and some posies,
Fertilized by Clementine."

I had never really realized the subject of these poems until the other day when I chanced upon the Goosey Gander one. then I thought about the others, and realized, wow, that's what I've been singing?

The moonlight shows us for what we really are

I like people naked. I like me naked. I like the closeness and beautiful thoughts that can be shared with the feeling that if you can be, showing your whole self to someone, completely honest and for no devious (although devious naked acts are permitted) reason, you are truly being yourself. and you are showing that you are the most beautiful little moon child ever to fall to the earth and run around in the cold February night. and you are showing that you have great taste in underwear and that you really have certain qualities even though some people don't believe that you do. and you are showing that you here, with me, are realizing the beauty of the night time and the treasures it can hold.

"The moonlight shows us for what we really are. We are not among the living and so we cannot die but neither are we dead."
-Barbossa

quote of the mastermind

"I know I could be stronger. Or I hope so."

I catch the colors.

(red)

some people can hide things in words. I cannot. I wonder if it is ever coincidence.

or if they always mean to do things like that.

kiwi

I don't like bluberries.

An advancing life of wayward disorientation (it rhymes!)

snow

making patterns
in the snow
no one told you
where to go.
So here you sit
in blinding light
carving slices
into cold, white

snow

a spinning blade
falls to the ground
people watching all around
sun catches the blade
with a blinding flash
soon to come,
a deathly slash.
a face off born of bitter spite
now ends upon
the cold, white
Red

snow

a beautiful plea

I love people. even the ugly ones are beautiful. I like to just look at them, and see what they look like. people have such intricate faces and bodies, even when they're wearing clothes. the way peoples' clothes look when they're on a body. My friends are beautiful. the way a face can inspire an emotion, when I see them. they're all so different. and their faces all mean different things. In pictures, I can identify their body parts in pictures where I can't see their faces. They are beautiful.
I know that my friends consider me beautiful, but it kind of pisses me off sometimes, because I feel like I'm taking something away from somebody else when someone calls me that. And I also know that people get pissed off when someone feels like that cuz theyre all like, wow, the people who are blessed resent it, and the people who aren't would really cherish that and not throw it away. but you are blessed. I try to be honest with myself, and not be conceited and think I'm better than everyone else, but also not downplay myself and deny what people think of me. I think people do that too much. I know people who go, no, I'm really not that good looking, I'm hot I guess, but that other person is beautiful. And in my mind I'm thinking, you know, they don't have anything compared to you. you have the most beautiful, perfect smile ever, or, you have the prettiest eyes, or the most luscious hair, or yourface just freaking rocks. but they always deny it, and I can never convince them that in my eyes, they are the moon and the sun and everything lovely in this world. please believe me. you are my world.

how long will children remain?

I started reading books again. and the bahroom wall on facebook. and drinking coffee. my face hurts. im bored. I depend too much on my boyfirend. my life is gonna suck cuz im entirely not motivated. If I could i seriously would get high, and then just stay that way forever.  but i cant. w/e.    I've spent my vacation doing nothing but soak in the bitter lives of other via THE INTERNET. theres like no more firefly to drink. but dont get me wrong. IM HAPPY! not because of anyhting specific, just that im not depressed and my life dosnt suck that bad.

honesty?

another time, another time

something I've realized about myself.

I'm bored. you know what I do when I'm bored? I go onto the internet and get into arguments with people that I don't know, using long words and sounding like an arrogant, wannabe british asshole. its kind of an instinct when I'm arguing with people I don't know. its kinda fun though, untill they start getting all pissed off, and you just have to go, "oh, I dont know why you're so pissed, get the fuck over yourself." and then they are still pissed, and eventualy I have to leave because I tire of the dead end argument, and they think they've won.
but no, they've never won, they just...cease to entertain me. They have lost my intrest, and then I have to find somebody else.

sometimes I realize that I have awful memmory, except for phone numbers. I never document my life in any way, except write cryptic yet non cryptic post on my blog because there are certain people with whom i don't want to share certain thoughts or events. I write if I am happy, or if life sucks, but i've always wanted a journal. I had hoped for that when creating a blog, but the thing is, that I can't remember for shit the details of a day in the life of me. I'll be honest, I want to have kids some day. yes, screaming bratty children that I can be responsible for and give beautiful names and makes sure they grow up to be amazing people and have good sex lives. but I wont be able to do that, cuz I wont be able to tell them amazing stories about my adolescent days. I already wiped away the memories of elementary school, being to embaressed about who I was. I mean, why should I be ashamed? its not like the majority of people are actually cool in elementary. I also believe that I've wiped away most memories of 6th grade. but now I'm thinking about it, I might as well try to start preserving my life now, cuz I already miss the things that I've forgotten.

back then

it used to be that all the excitement and commotion, or big things of the time were about colors, and emo, and who was liking someone else, and being mad at your friends.
now its all the potheads in your school getting busted, including one of your friends who's pretty cool, if stupid sometimes.
now its shoplifting.
now its your boyfriend under the threat of going to court for something he didn't do.
now its you getting interrogated about something your boyfriend did do.

the other things are still there, and some of of them are still important, but now we are starting to be faced with things in real life. now we're being faced with the criminal justice system. oh well. someday there will be a lot more. and we will look back and say, we were freaked out? well, couldn't blame us, we didn't know anything yet.

Dark

flicks the light off.
shuts the door.
darkness spreads,
swallowing up
the corners of the room.
a silent blanket of stillness
enveloping.
threatening
to devour.
Scrabbling,
frantic fumbling.
where is the handle?
click
opens the door.
don't do that
what?
i'm afraid of the dark
why? there aren't any
strangers in there.
what's a stranger?

why do I have to care so much?

I guess it should mean we're perfect. He picked someone who would care. a lot. she picked someone who would keep on needing her to care. but what if she doesn't want to anymore? but she cares to much about him to let it go. fuck it. why do I have to care so much that its been so long? it doesn't matter. There's nothing wrong with it. everything's fine. I shouldn't want to let it go. maybe I'm just bored. maybe I feel pressured to do things to make him happy. maybe I'm tired of caring. Fuck it. I don't care.