how long will children remain?

I started reading books again. and the bahroom wall on facebook. and drinking coffee. my face hurts. im bored. I depend too much on my boyfirend. my life is gonna suck cuz im entirely not motivated. If I could i seriously would get high, and then just stay that way forever.  but i cant. w/e.    I've spent my vacation doing nothing but soak in the bitter lives of other via THE INTERNET. theres like no more firefly to drink. but dont get me wrong. IM HAPPY! not because of anyhting specific, just that im not depressed and my life dosnt suck that bad.

honesty?

another time, another time

something I've realized about myself.

I'm bored. you know what I do when I'm bored? I go onto the internet and get into arguments with people that I don't know, using long words and sounding like an arrogant, wannabe british asshole. its kind of an instinct when I'm arguing with people I don't know. its kinda fun though, untill they start getting all pissed off, and you just have to go, "oh, I dont know why you're so pissed, get the fuck over yourself." and then they are still pissed, and eventualy I have to leave because I tire of the dead end argument, and they think they've won.
but no, they've never won, they just...cease to entertain me. They have lost my intrest, and then I have to find somebody else.

sometimes I realize that I have awful memmory, except for phone numbers. I never document my life in any way, except write cryptic yet non cryptic post on my blog because there are certain people with whom i don't want to share certain thoughts or events. I write if I am happy, or if life sucks, but i've always wanted a journal. I had hoped for that when creating a blog, but the thing is, that I can't remember for shit the details of a day in the life of me. I'll be honest, I want to have kids some day. yes, screaming bratty children that I can be responsible for and give beautiful names and makes sure they grow up to be amazing people and have good sex lives. but I wont be able to do that, cuz I wont be able to tell them amazing stories about my adolescent days. I already wiped away the memories of elementary school, being to embaressed about who I was. I mean, why should I be ashamed? its not like the majority of people are actually cool in elementary. I also believe that I've wiped away most memories of 6th grade. but now I'm thinking about it, I might as well try to start preserving my life now, cuz I already miss the things that I've forgotten.

back then

it used to be that all the excitement and commotion, or big things of the time were about colors, and emo, and who was liking someone else, and being mad at your friends.
now its all the potheads in your school getting busted, including one of your friends who's pretty cool, if stupid sometimes.
now its shoplifting.
now its your boyfriend under the threat of going to court for something he didn't do.
now its you getting interrogated about something your boyfriend did do.

the other things are still there, and some of of them are still important, but now we are starting to be faced with things in real life. now we're being faced with the criminal justice system. oh well. someday there will be a lot more. and we will look back and say, we were freaked out? well, couldn't blame us, we didn't know anything yet.

Dark

flicks the light off.
shuts the door.
darkness spreads,
swallowing up
the corners of the room.
a silent blanket of stillness
enveloping.
threatening
to devour.
Scrabbling,
frantic fumbling.
where is the handle?
click
opens the door.
don't do that
what?
i'm afraid of the dark
why? there aren't any
strangers in there.
what's a stranger?

why do I have to care so much?

I guess it should mean we're perfect. He picked someone who would care. a lot. she picked someone who would keep on needing her to care. but what if she doesn't want to anymore? but she cares to much about him to let it go. fuck it. why do I have to care so much that its been so long? it doesn't matter. There's nothing wrong with it. everything's fine. I shouldn't want to let it go. maybe I'm just bored. maybe I feel pressured to do things to make him happy. maybe I'm tired of caring. Fuck it. I don't care.